The Book Deal--Keeping It Real

Someone told me the other day that most publishers want a fiction writer to have at least 2,000 Twitter friends that could turn into solid book sales before they will consider publishing a first novel in today’s market even if they have other publications.

 I am new to Twitter and looked at my paltry 500 followers and sighed, then laughed. I suppose the 20 or so who have promised to enlarge my penis,  guarantee me an instant 1,000 followers or invited me to their sex site don’t count.

This person also said I needed a blog and a million billion Facebook friends. I laughed again. I do have a lot of FB friends but that is because I’m (for all intents and purposes) a hermit and I can stay attached to the art world, the book world, relatives and friends via FB without leaving my living room. I equate the click of my LIKE button to going to an elbow rubbing event or conference but I guess it’s not the same thing.  I’ve never considered FB as a marketing ploy but maybe it is. Hmmm.  

This person also said that my FB posts should be strictly writer-ly. So I guess talking about my daughters and their broken down cars and broken down significant others; play fighting with my partner Ron Davis; or talking about how I went over my Weight Watchers points  in front of my 1900 FB friends doesn’t count.

This person also said that I should keep a register (like you sign at weddings and funerals) with me so that when I did book signings I could have people sign it. I don’t think I can do this. I like shaking hands with the people I meet when I sign books and a smile or an “I look forward to reading this,” is really all I expect from them and not even that really but that’s nice. They’ve already purchased my book what more could I ask of them. I suppose I could disguise it as a giveaway and have these potential readers slip it into a box for a chance to win…uh…a gift certificate from a local bookstore.  (well that one doesn’t feel quite as manipulative but…)

She said that I should start a blog specifically because that would look good to publishers and that too should have 400,000,000 followers at least. So I suppose that everyone who reads this (all 40 of you) should be duped…I mean encouraged…into to buying my book whether you want to or not. I started a blog because I thought that perhaps once a week I’d have something to say about writing or be able to tout the books of writers I knew or wanted to read or have read and that folks might share their responses with me. I also wanted to blog about the publishing world but I’m not sure I know much about it all.

Are y’all game? I suspect that if my book ever gets published it will be under $25 so maybe you should start saving now.

Look into the screen at this blog and become hypnotized. Say it with me now and put your hand on your copy of Franzen’s FREEDOM, “I SOLEMNLY SWEAR TO BUY CRYSTAL WILKINSON’S BOOK (THE BIRDS OF OPULENCE) WHEN AND IF IT IS PUBLISHED.”

And I’m counting on you to whisper it into the ears of other potential buyers or post this on your Twitter and Facebook pages so that I can have a “word of mouth” campaign going at least a year in advance. BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ.

If you know someone famous—a publisher, an editor, a reviewer or reporter (preferably one with a huge publishing house, newspaper, magazine or NPR connections)…maybe Oprah’s assistant to the assistant to the assistant tell her too.

 In fact you can take slips of paper with THE BIRDS OF OPULENCE on it and stick it in between the peaches and the lettuce. Send me your address (INSERT SARA PALIN WINK HERE) and I’ll send you a little box of paper slips so that you can do this.

If all else fails, I urge you, compel you, conjure you to just blurt out BIRDS OF OPULENCE at any soiree or cocktail party or family reunion you may be attending, especially if there are editors of big publishing houses in the room.

I always thought that I’d write a book and I’d put it in that Moses basket and send it on its way across the pond and I would stand on the other shore and watch it float where it might. And maybe Pharaoh's daughter would pick it up and take care of it and show it to the world.

I guess this is not true anymore.

My conversation with this person was depressing. I never wanted to hawk my books like I was selling hotdogs, “GET YOUR BIRDS OF OPULENCE HERE!” And I still think that’s annoying when I see people doing it.

What am I going to do to keep my books afloat in this market? I’ll keep listening and watching to what’s going on out there. I’ll ask my agent for advice and let her be Pharaoh’s daughter. If my third book gets published of course I’ll do what I need to do to help it sell; I do have a public relations background after all.

Maybe I'll keep dieting someone told me once that I needed to be cute and perky before I would be selected for an interview with Matt Lauer. But I'm not sure how cute and perky a 40+ woman can be.

Maybe I’ll hit you up to follow or friend me. So be ready. Feel free to feel sorry for me and follow me back. (INSERT THE SECOND SARA PALIN WINK HERE ONLY WITH MORE SEXY IN IT. A COME HITHER TO MY BOOK LOOK.)

I’ll keep my fingers crossed, sacrifice wine and cheese and good Kentucky bourbon to the book goddess. Maybe I’ll close my eyes occasionally and pray “BOOK POWERS ON HIGH...”

But mostly this fall  I’ll do what makes me happiest—keep writing as passionately as I know how on the next story and the next and the next as they come.